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The Federal Office for Magical Creatures (FOMC), located in Bonn, is the supreme institution for magical, mythical and fantastic creatures.

The Federal Office for Magical Creatures (FOMC), located in Bonn, is the supreme institution for magical, mythical and fantastic creatures. Among its responsibilitites are your friendly neighborhood vampire, the political gremlin, the mythos surrounding the (non-)existence of Bielefeld and also the unexplainable.

The Federal Office for Magical Creatures is ancient. It has existed forever, historical findings such as the Nebra Sky Disk give evidence of early activities.

The Federal Office for Magical Creatures has been a federal office operating in secrecy. However Federal Chancellor Gerhard Schröder already tried to assign the office to a ministry when presenting his Federal Cabinet, namely to the Ministry of Women and Stuff. The attempt failed miserably, for the Federal Office for Magical Creatures was the one office in Bonn the responsibility of which should not be named. The time had not yet arrived.

Most likely the location of the Federal Office for Magical Creatures has always been all over Bonn, although the exact coordinates are not known. There is proof of the location of the Experimental Department for Black Arts and Pentagrams in the former Konrad-Adenauer-Haus in the district called Gronau between the years 2000 and 2003. Reports state that the building, which used to be the party headquarters for the CDU, was demolished in 2003, but the FOMC admits that this incident was, indeed, a failed experiment by Erika Steinbach. The so-called Steinbach’s Pentagram is attributed to her, used to conjure a demon supposed to annex Silesia to Germany once again. However the demon, black as it might have been, had a good heart and refused the order. Supposedly Erika Steinbach then blew it up in anger. The office and its staff call for honorable remembrance of this demon.

The Windeck Bunker at the heart of the City – site of the office?

Rumors have it that the Federal Office for Magical Creatures subsequently moved into the Windeck Bunker in the city of Bonn

Rumors have it that the Federal Office for Magical Creatures subsequently moved into the Windeck Bunker in the city of Bonn, where it is still located. The thick walls of the high-rise bunker are supposed to contain failed experiments such as Steinbach’s Pentagram, indubitably the darkest chapter in the history of the Federal Office for Magical Creatures, and alleviate the consequences.

The Federal Office for Magical Creatures contains judiciary, legislative and executive authorities for the magical population. Bonn was chosen as site because it is evident that the Rhineland mentality and especially that of the population of Bonn does not mind white and black magic, vampires, weres, elves and fairies as well as other beings, which would elsewhere only be suspected to dwell in the realm of fantasy. The success and cost-efficiency of the FOMC is evident in the fact that not a single report issued by the Federal Audit Office has so far mentioned, much less criticized the office.

Concerning magic here and today, still doubted by some ignorant fools, the Federal Office refers to the first predictions for the federal election 2013, when it became evident that the federal parliament had successfully been purged of yellow and blue gremlins and poltergeists. Many inhabitants of the town had worked hard for this.

If this was not a magical moment for all of Germany, then what is?

The Federal Office for Magical Creatures and its Work

The Federal Office for Magical Creatures is not just active in the realms of secrecy and the occult, but sometimes in the major fabric of politics and society as well, for instance, by contributing to the implementation regulations on day-care law, where the Office succeeded in ensuring that children of magical origin have a right to a religiously immaculate child minder.

Even those of less intellectual disposition will understand how unreasonable it is for the offspring of gay relationships or heterosexual vampires to be expected to attend a Catholic kindergarten. Children need to be protected from religious discrimination.

Whereas, in 1752, Pope Benedict XIV simply denied the existence of vampires, in 2009, Pope Benedict XVI warned against the Twilight. So who would blame vampires for making a massive detour around the church for their offspring’s sake?

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